Hubris
What we want most is a secret no one can tell us.
- Anonymous

Wendall's Diary

Thurs. Apr. 4th, 2002

Iíve never had a diary before. I guess I donít do stuff worthy of one, like having good secrets so someone can read it and blackmail me. .... Funny, Wendall. Really funny. Well, I guess I can just delete this from the computer after Iím done anyhow, and Iíve got to tell someone, even if itís just writing it. And I donít want to. Hell, Iím even writing of me in third person ... this is stupid.

Dear Diary. There. Iíve begun one. I guess this begins Monday, according to some stuff I read in the paper. A big, 7í tall guy beat up a gang near school, badly. Some of them died. On Tuesday, he hurt people bugging an old lady. Then I woke up, I guess it is, in a detective office. Mr. Lancasterís. He told me Iíd been that thing, that hurt some gang members. I couldnít recall about the last half hour, but I thought he was lying ... even with the police out there. No one throws people through the air like toys. I left as quickly as I could, but when I was out there, I knew what I would see. He hadnít told me all their names, or the womanís name who the big guy had scared, but somehow I knew, like remembering stuff in dreams. She looked terrified. And the ambulances were - were carting people off. No one died.

I spent the rest of the night thinking. I didnít feel any different. I mean, I was still me. But when I got home Ben made one of his usual jokes. I donít even remember it, but I was angry for a moment. No thatís not the right word. I was ticked, really mad, enraged. It was only for a sec and he didnít notice, but it scared me. I donít get - I try not to get angry. It makes you do stupid things.

So I went to the police. They laughed at me, since I couldnít become that thing - theyíre calling it Wrath - when I said I was it. I was mad enough, let myself get mad enough, but nothing happened. So I went home. What else could I do? I didnít know I was this thing. But still. After school and that I tried wed. and then things ..... got funny.

I went to the Sun offices - told Mom and Dad I was going to Eddieís and phoned him so heíd tell them I was there. I donít even know how Iím going to explain that to him ... or them. Lying is so terribly easy. Well. I went there, to tell them ... I donít know what. But I had to tell someone something! Anyway, I got clipped by a bus with some nut controlling it and .... there was this pain. I blacked out, or something like that, and this thing, this Wrath, was there. He was so angry it was terrifying. I try and control myself, but not that much .... no one could have that much anger inside them. It was like standing on top of some raging sea. It scared me.

But I knew he was from me, part of me? Maybe I just convinced myself I did, but somehow I got him to not kill anyone. The other people, one of them looking like that PI, but .. different, helped him control it. He was scared of Wrath, too, maybe. I guess we might have something in common. I - he ran away, like the others did, after it was over. Mr. Lancaster met me after I was me again. I felt so - so tired. Drained. We talked a bit. I donít even remember what we said, I was so freaked out, dazed I guess. I went home.

Ben asked where I was and I told him to get lost. No, thatís not right. I told him to go screw himself. I did that. I left before he replied, but I was as shocked as he was. What did it mean? I made Wrath not kill, so he makes me more mad? So I walked around, punched a wall, tried to make the change happen. Then I walked past David and Sons. They fired dad. I .... got mad. The thing - Wrath - somehow blew the sign up with fire from his hands. He didnít know why he was mad at it, and somehow, he realised I was in him, or outside him, or whatever it is.

We didnít talk or stuff, but I knew he was me, and more. Not just my anger, but the anger of lots of people in one body. Mine, and through me he got hold of others anger. He didnít wand to hurt the guards so .... he flew away. It was awesome! I - he - we spent 3 hours flying through the sky. It was so much fun. Almost worth it, I guess, to be so free .... but Satan offered Jesus all he could see, too. I told Mom and Dad I was stressed when I got home. To explain what Iíd said to Ben. Theyíre worried. Benís suspicious. And - we got a call saying Jenny is in the hospital. Her boyfriend tried to beat her up, and she got helped by some people. Sheís ok, just sleeping off a concussion.

But that means I have no one to talk to. I might have to lie to Eddie too. I donít want to, to anyone, but .... but now I have to. Or stand up and refuse to. But that could hurt lots of people. Itís so easy to not lie when you have nothing to hide, I guess. And I donít know what Wrath is. Maybe heís a demon, or some evil in me given form. Who did it? And why? Iím scared. And so lonely, like Iíve never been before. .... Mr Lancaster doesnít need some kid crying to him.

I picked up some comic books today. The Increnible Hulk. They donít tell my anything I need to know. How do these comic books people like Spider Man keep their secrets so long? Itís hard to keep this lie going. I donít want to. But I think I need to, until I know about it. And itís going to hurt Mom and Dad more if I tell them later oh. Momís coming. Better save this. And password it. Hide it. Just like me.

ďIf you tell what you know, everybody is wiser. If you keep it a secret then everybody is a fool.Ē
- Orson Scott Card, ďXenocideĒ

Wed. Apr. 10th, 2002

Wow, itís been almost a week since I wrote stuff here, mostly because Iíve not been me. Well, I have, but asleep. I fought some skeleton people - Ok, Wrath fought them - Friday and they hurt him, bad. He ran away. It even hurt me, and he became me again. I think. He must have because my family found me in front of the apartment. Someone - Iím guessing Mr. Lancaster - put me there, sleeping.

I never woke up.

I donít remember the stuff I dreamed. Not really. I could, but

I donít want to. It was strange, and bad, and scary. Wow, thatís childish, but I guess ... I guess weíre always kids, somewhere. And I was scared, of that place. It was real, I think, or someplace so not real it was real too. That makes no sense, either, but ... but it feels right. I donít like feelings. They mess you up, make you say or do stupid things.

But Iíve been feeling more, since that place. Time was funny there, and something hurt and chased me and hurt me a lot. I really donít remember it. Honest. Fuck. Iím lying to my own computer diary .... and i just wrote the f-word. Jesus. I guess I do remember, when I donít think about it. Like now. I tried to sleep, but I wasnít dreaming, or I was but just of that place.

Somehow, I think I can only dream of it. I donít know why. It hurt me, maybe I hurt it too when Mr. Lancaster found me there and managed to make me think enough - really think - to become Wrath. He left but woke me up later. My family cried a lot, I said I must have been hit in the head or something. Iím not a good liar, but they wanted to believe me. So they did. And theyíre happy about the bill too, but I donít know why.

Iím happy too, I mean. That Iím not there, and with family. They matter, a lot. I thought of them - even Ben, and we donít get along. I missed them, a lot. And now Iím back, and theyíre treating me so funny. Itís like they thought I was dead, or something. I guess they must have. But I need to go sleep now, before Mom checks in on me. Itís only dreams, after all. They canít hurt you.

"There are only two worlds -- your world, which is the real world, and the other worlds, the fantasy. Worlds like this are worlds of the human imaginating: their reality, or lack of reality, is not important. What is important is that they are there. These worlds provide an alternative. Provide an escape. Provide a threat. Provide a dream, and power; provide refuge, and pain. They give your world meaning. They do not exist; and thus they are all that matters. Do you understand?"
- Titania, Queen of Faerie, The Books of Magic by Neil Gaiman

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